Logs
by Seraphina Aster
Summary: *SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4 EPISODE 2* What if Matt was truly dead? How would Pidge react to her brother's death after working so hard and long to find him? Will she ever be able to accept his death?
1. Revelation

Pidge's green lion glided over the asteroid field with ease, it's trajectory unwavering and steady. Within the lion, Pidge sat cross-legged on her chair and gazed down at her tracking device for guidance.

"Matt's signal is getting stronger," she murmured to herself. "He must be around here somewhere."

She glanced up at her destination. Her lion's screen zeroed in on the demolished, fragmented planet before her.

"There!" she exclaimed.

Upon taking in the view of the shattered planet, her eyes widened.

"Oh no. This… this can't be right."

Her face tightened to a grimace. She HAD to find him.

She steered her lion towards the planet, descending through the shrouded, misty atmosphere, speckled with stray rocks hovering in the air.

"This place… it's completely destroyed."

She glanced down at her tracker to confirm her fear.

"But it says he's here."

Sure enough, she was at the right destination.

As her lion flew over the summit of one of the various mountains around her, she saw an odd formation in the distance. Landing her lion at the base of the structure, she walked up to the structure depicting creatures of all species and races pushing two walls together. Upon noticing the platform in front of her, she read the inscription. Or rather, her helmet translated the foreign language into English for her.

"In honor of the 127,098 brave warriors that stood against tyranny, the quest for freedom is won through sacrifice."

Her eyes widened and began to water. Her mouth fell open.

 _No, no, i-it can't be!_

Panting, she sprinted through the memorial.

"No, please no!"

Lightning boomed in the atmosphere, but Pidge didn't register it. The pulse of her own beating heart was too loud.

She exited the monument, finding herself at the edge of a large cliff overlooking a vast, expansive cemetary that went on for miles, the edges of the graveyard lost at the border of the horizon.

" _Oh no."_ she whispered.

Gritting her teeth, she slid down the steep cliff, grunting as she tripped and fell onto the rocky surface. Pushing herself back up, she continued to run towards her demise.

It was getting harder to breathe. She checked her tracker to make sure she was at the right place one last time.

Suddenly, her memory betrayed her. Memories of family dinners, her brother comforting her with her favorite cake, and staying up late at night with her older sibling on the roof to gaze at the stars and talk with her dad filled her mind.

 _No._

The scared look on her face revealed the reality of her situation and the most likely outcome.

 _No. I've come too far and gone through too much to not have him in my life._

More flashbacks of his brotherly smirk resurfaced.

 _No!_

Suddenly, the tracker signalled that she had found her brother.

An image of her brother smiling back at her burned into her retinas.

Before her stood his grave.

Falling to her knees, her glazed eyes focused on the inscription.

Again, her helmet translated the unknown language for her.

"Matthew Holt, 04.04.28."

Katie Holt didn't hear the robotic voice in her helmet.

She began to cry. All of her frustration, longing, and overall sadness were released.

"I'm so sorry; I was too late," she sniffled.

She curled up into a ball in front of the metal gravestone marker.

Pidge screamed.

" _ **NOOO!"**_

Today would have been his 19th birthday. She would have gotten him a new set of USB data loggers. He would have used them to download the logs he would send her while he was away. Now, all she had were his old logs back on Earth.

She stayed crouched for about an hour, her mind still attempting to grasp the fact that Matt was dead. She heard Shiro's voice coming in through her helmet.

"-idge? Are you there?"

"Y-yeah." She murmured.

"Are you okay? You didn't check in with us earlier, and you don't sound too good. Did you find Matt?"

"Yes," she choked, attempting to get her breathing under control. It was no use. Hearing his name caused her to cry a bit more.

"He's… dead."

Shiro gasped.

"Katie, I-I'm so sorry. We're coming to get you; don't go anywhere."

Bursting into tears, Pidge hugged herself.

The castle arrived 5 dobashes later.

Shiro sprinted towards the huddled green form in the distance.

So many graves…

Upon finding Pidge's small body, he immediately kneeled down next to her and rubbed her back. Her breathing hitched.

"S-Shiro?", her voice cracked.

"Shh, it's okay. I've got you."

Slowly, he helped her stand up, guiding her through the maze of graves and towards the castle.

They eventually took off, beaming the green lion into the ship, seeing as Pidge was in no condition to be flying it.

 _ **Hello dear reader! This is my first Voltron fanfiction, so I hope it was enjoyable! Please favorite and follow this story and me, for I will be continuing this story and perhaps publishing a few others. I hope to publish roughly every fortnight, but I can't be certain. Please review and guess how Pidge will cope with the death of her brother and how everyone else will react. Until next time,**_

 _ **Serafina Aster**_


	2. Pancakes

"Pidge?" Lance asked tentatively, his warm chocolate eyes focused on her tear-streaked face.

Hunk, Lance, Allura, and Coran met Shiro and Pidge in the room filled with couches; a living room, of sorts. But not all in the room had the desire to live.

"You okay?"

She merely nodded. Her voyage across the vast expanse of space and her new revelation had drained her physically and emotionally. Shiro was the only thing keeping her upright.

"It's been a long trip for you; how about you get some rest?"

Again, she nodded.

Shiro guided her to her room, where she practically fell onto her bed, clutching her soft comforter. Shiro sat on her bed, patting her legs twice.

"If there's anything you want to talk about, we'll be here for you."

His comforting words were the last things she heard as she descended into a dreamless sleep.

Unfortunately, she didn't stay asleep. Oddly, she felt… out of place; like she was still in her dream, even though she knew she was not asleep. Her body didn't feel like hers. Used to her erratic circadian cycle of sleep, she decided to don her usual comfort clothing. Staring at herself in the mirror, she was finally able to get a good look at herself since… well, she wasn't sure. Her hair was cowlicked to the right side of her face, and her eyes were red-rimmed. Grabbing a hairbrush, she combed her hair. As for her eyes, she splashed water onto her face, hoping to wake herself up further. Upon drying her face and placing the golden-rimmed glasses on her face, she looked back at her reflection. She felt like she was supposed to be remembering something, but she couldn't. Oh well. It probably wasn't important.

She meandered through the hallways. For some reason, she didn't know why everything felt so… distant. It was peaceful and calming in it's own way, but…. Finding herself in her lion's hanger - _is that my lion?_ \- she huddled up in one of her favorite hiding places; a small nesting area ten feet above the ground, held together by metal beams. She was about to climb up when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning around, she found Hunk. _Who was Hunk again?_

"Hey, what are you doing up so early?"

"I-I…" my disembodied voice trailed off. For some reason, my hands didn't feel like my own. My mouth wouldn't work.

"Pidge?"

 _Who is Pidge? Is that me?_

"Pidge, are you okay? Can you move? Like, at all?"

I didn't respond. I wanted to, but… I couldn't. Something nagged at my brain. What was I forgetting?

"Hold on, I'm going to go get Shiro. Don't go anywhere."

 _It's not like I can_ I wanted to reply. I just stared at the grey wall in front of me. In it's own way, it was comforting.

A couple of dobashes later - _had it really been that long? It felt more like a few ticks_ \- Shiro entered the hangar, Hunk following suit.

"Pidge?"

I stared at the man in front of me. Did I know him?

"Pidge, can you say anything? Can you move?"

I continued my vigil of silence.

 _Why can't I move?_

Shiro sighed. He seemed to know what was wrong.

"You're Katie Holt, also known as Pidge Gunderson. You pilot the green lion. I'm Shiro, and this is Hunk. We're your friends. Yesterday, you searched for your brother…."

Suddenly, reality crashed in.

I couldn't get enough air into my lungs.

 _Matt is dead._

I could feel my heart racing.

"Pidge, calm down, it's okay," Shiro consoled, catching me as my legs gave out from under me. Kneeling on the ground, hunched over, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Hunk joined Shiro and I on the ground, giving me a hug. I remember Matt's hugs. They were bone crushing, but they were worth it. Droplets of water leaked from my eyes and landed on the cool, metal floor. My vision blurred. I could hear my wheezing as my lungs desperately sucked in air.

Shiro backed off.

"Katie, I'm gonna need you to take some deep breaths, okay? You're having a panic attack."

 _Katie._

"Katie!"

My head snapped up. I was staring into Shiro's concerned, fatherly eyes.

"Deep breaths, Katie, deep breaths."

I attempted to synchronize my breathing with his. It was painful. I wasn't getting enough oxygen. When my breathing was stabilized, Hunk helped me up. My face was beet red with embarrassment.

"Better?" Shiro asked.

"Y-yeah." I stuttered, still trying to gather my bearings.

"How about I make pancakes for breakfast," Hunk suggested, not wanting her to retreat to her room.

"Well, some variation, but I've found a recipe that kind of tastes like them, but with more of a honey taste and the texture of scrambled eggs."

I gave him a small smile.

Shiro smiled, happy to see that I was better.

The pancakes ended up being better than expected, with Kaltenecker's milk and Shiro somehow getting half of the dough on his clothes. Allura and Coran woke up to the sweet smell of our "pancakes", and ate the rest. Lance woke up late, per usual, so we made a second batch. There were no complaints, of course.

Maybe there is something to live for.

 _Hello! I hope you enjoyed the second chapter! I decided to keep the ending of this chapter relatively fluffy before I get into the_ _ **really**_ _dark stuff. How much more dark can it possibly get, you ask?! I smile._

 _Not all questions are meant to be answered, dearie._

 _To bigtimedreamer101, Gavtron1, and purplebeltpanda13: Thank you for your reviews!_

 _Please continue to follow, favorite, and review this story!_

 _Until next time,_

 _ **Serafina Aster**_


	3. Fajitas

So I'm FINALLY on summer break (I'm a sophmore now), and I had to play at my school's commencement today becuase I'm in band and not only did I have to watch the seniors leave but MY BAND DIRECTOR IS LEAVING TOO. Just two years ago, my two favorite band directors were fired and we were left emotionally wrecked and we were being switched out with 3 different band directors the next year but two of them stayed and the one we all like better is noW LEAVING TO GET HIS PHD AND I CANT HANDLE IT EMOTIONALLY so yeah.

By the way, I've finally finished my guideline for this story, so it should be a much smoother ride with updates and all from here on out.

Replies to reviews:

purplepandabelt13: 'Why do you put me through so much pain?'

Because it's fun.

Gavtron 1:' Yay! An update! I love the relationship between Pidge and her brother, it reminds me of my family, I'd probably react the same way if I lost any one of them!'

I hope you and your family live long, happy, and prosperous lives! And don't worry, there's more past bonding moments between Pidge and Matt coming up!

bigtimedreamer101: 'Well here is the some what bumpy waves before the hurricane. Can't wait for more!'

Well, you're not wrong, and thank you!

WonderPickle: 'great chapter!'

Thank you so much!

I hope you enjoy the next chapter to Logs!

I lied to myself.

Ever since I learned of my brother's death, everyone's been trying to comfort me. I know that they want to help, but nothing can replace joy of my rubix cube competitions with Matt. Nothing can replace the bond we shared when we decoded Dad's messages. Nothing can replace Matt. The quintents passed agonizingly slowly, each varga being stretched out to it's full length. Not having the energy or will to discard of the codes that I had stored in my brother's folder, I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Maybe a part of me didn't want to throw them away because it's a mere remnant of when I still had hope for my brother.

I couldn't just lay here, moping around.

I have to move.

Sighing, I get out of bed and trudge through the brightly lit hallways, making my way to the training deck.

I change into my armor and glance at the time before warming up.

22:43, Earth time.

I jog a few laps, then walk to the middle of the training deck.

"Level six," I call out, and a gladiator drops from the ceiling, the tips of its spear glowing neon blue. I ignite my own bayard, its bright green luminescence glowing in the fluorescent lighting.

I attack first, my bayard almost coming into contact with its plasticlike armor before it jumps back. Taking my off balanced form as an advantage, it strikes my unprotected back with its spear with blunt force.

We battle like this for about five vargas, locked in a dangerous and beautiful dance of lounging and attacking and defence, before I take a break and look at the time.

4:24, Earth time.

The team eats breakfast at roughly 7:00, Earth time, so I should have time to take a small shower and rest for a bit.

After taking said shower, I stumble into the hallways once again, more tired than before, find my room, collapse onto the bed, and immediately fall asleep.

No night terrors or anything.

It was great.

When I woke up next, my alarm was blaring in my ear.

It was 6:30, Earth time.

I'd only gotten about three hours of sleep, but it was a small price to pay for a nightmareless nap.

 _I should do this more often_ , I thought to myself as I got changed into my regular clothes.

 _After all, it's hard enough to fall asleep without dark dreams plaguing my mind._

 _I might get some actual rest._

And so, I made it a habit.

Was it the best way to deal with my nightmares?

No.

But did it get rid of them?

Yes.

I was satisfied with that answer.

At around 22:30, Earth time, I would sneak down to the training deck and train for hours. It wasn't always with the gladiator; there were the tactical orbs, the simulations, and much, much more. Altean training technology was surprisingly unique and violent. Typically, I'd end the training session at about 3:00 or 4:00 Earth time. Then I would take a quick shower and take a quick nap.

Then again, my routine didn't come without consequences.

I could tell my teammates had noticed my constant tiredness and fatigue.

So I lied.

"Hey Pidge, how'd you sleep last night?" Lance would ask.

"Okay; I just had a bit of programming to do last night for the tracking matrix. I'll be right as rain by tomorrow," I'd reply.

"You look a bit tired, are you sleeping well enough?' Hunk would ask.

"Yeah," I'd mumble.

"Are you okay?" Shiro would ask.

The direct question.

"Just fine," I'd murmur.

But it was worth it.

Right?

It wasn't until a few quintents later when they realized something was wrong.

We were resupplying on Sakaria when we crossed paths with a few native creatures.

The kind with lots of teeth and lots of anger issues.

They looked like a mix between spiders and wolves, but with six legs and less cute.

Naturally, it lunged for me first.

Leaping back, I turned on the upgraded shield I had made and its skull made a dent in the strong, durable, foreign metal, my body absorbing the shock from the impact.

You've got to be kidding me.

Fueled by my anger for the shield, I aimed my bayard for its neck and fired.

It's head sliced cleanly off, leaving only a deep navy liquid dripping from the amputated head.

"Pidge?!" I heard someone shout.

And so, with my body still recovering from the impact the spiderwolf made, my body fell to the ground as my mind succumbed to the inky, black nothingness.

The next thing I remember, I'm being held up by Coran. My eyes reluctantly opened, my hazy vision gazing over the cryo pods and concerned faces in front of me.

I rubbed my eyes and regained my footing, with Coran still holding my shoulders, making sure I didn't fall again.

"Wha' happened?" I mutter, staring at Shiro's worried face.

"I could ask the same of you," Shiro responded.

Upon seeing my confused face, he sighed.

"You were attacked by a spider wolf creature on a resupplying mission yesterday. When we put you in the cryopod, the scanner picked up multiple bruises and injuries you never got during any of our missions or training sessions, and it notified us of your lack of sleep," Shiro explained.

"And when I checked your entries for training, it said you were training when humans normally sleep for abnormally long periods of time," Allura added, standing a bit further back.

My face was cherry red with embarrassment.

"I...um," I muttered, trying to take in my bearings.

"Can I get some food first?"

"Sure, but you're gonna answer all of our questions after, okay?"

"Okay."

With Lance and Shiro guiding me down the hallways, Hunk ran ahead to warm up some of last night's dinner of fajita-like green goo wrapped in a moist, cerulean tortilla.

They were a bit chewy, but they weren't too bad.

But they never got to ask the questions.

An alarm went off just before the interrogation started.

Food for thought:

Why did the alarm go off?

What will she say when they finally get a chance to talk to her?

What should the next food I use be?

What do you think will happen next?

Did you like that bit of symbolism of how Pidge doesn't delete the files she has on her brother because they are the only ties she has left to her former self, back when she still had hope for her brother?

Let me know what you think by reviewing, and don't forget to follow and favorite this story and me!

 _Until next time,_

 ** _Serafina Aster_**


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